All In My Head
by ercarterfan
Summary: Abby, Carter, Africa...what if season 10 was different can love overcome the time and space of Africa. Redid the story to make it more readable and to catch mistakes that were in there.
1. Kissangani Africa

It is all in your head

Disclaimer: The usual, I do not own these characters in any way. I am just borrowing them and playing with them in my imagination. I will return them when I am doing playing, honestly. Nothing is gained by this story other than a creative outlet.

A/N: With Season 10 now here and upon us, it has taken a few turns that I like and do not like. This story does include some events up to the last episode that aired on 11-21-03, which was freefall. If you have not seen the ER episode "Freefall" and do not want to be spoiled then please do not read this. Please Read and Review! 3-15-05 I redid this story to make it easier to read and made some small changes to the story itself.

Prologue to bring you up to speed:

It had been 18 months since Carter had left for Africa to bring Luka home. Carter leaving again had sent my life into a spiral of changes. I never thought that I would actually do any of them. I had finished med school and was now officially a doctor. Carter was still soul searching as I would like to call it in Africa. He had not been happy for a long time now. When I last saw him, things between us were not very great. We had fought and I told him not to bother coming back to Chicago, I would not wait for him. I was going to stop putting my life on hold. There was one question that I could not find the answer to and that was if I could really stop loving him.

So many things had changed. It seemed that there was more different than the same now. As I boarded the plane that was going to take me away from Chicago for the next two weeks, I could not help but wonder if I was doing the right thing or if this was going to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

_Kissangani Africa:_

There was the scent of blood in the air. It just hung there giving the place an eerie feeling, almost as if I was not supposed to be there. I could feel the muggy breeze that carried it blowing against my skin. The chill came across even though the heat was almost unbearable, making the hair on my arms stand up on end. Maybe I should be there; this was one of those ominous signs that people in the movies should pay attention too but never do.

The wind had dried the thin layer of sweat that covered my arms, yet my shirt was still soaked thru. This place was almost unbearable. How had he managed to stay here so long? I pushed my hair back out of my eyes and looked around the small tent that I had spent the night in. I did not sleep, even though I had just spent 18 hours on a plane, there was no way that I could have slept if I wanted to. It was too hot and it had been to long since I had seen him last.

Why was I here? I wasn't sure why I decided that I needed to come after all this time. I didn't have anything to prove to anyone. He was the one who left and then decided not to come back. Carter broke it off with me, well I wouldn't say that he broke it off with me, rather told me that he needed his space. He needed to figure some things out and to move on with my life because he didn't know when he would be back, or if he would be back. I would have rather had a phone call, but then maybe he did it the best way that he could at the time.

I wiped my hand across my face again. Kicking the ground with my shoe, as the dust flew up from where I made contact with the ground. As I watched it settle, back down I thought again to the last time that I had seen him was back in Chicago. I did not know if he would be happy to see me here. He had sent us Christmas presents from the Congo, but that was about the only time that we had heard from him. Luka had traveled back about a year ago and stayed for almost 6 months. He had brought news back that Carter was well and looked good, but something inside me told me that I needed to get on a plane and go and see for myself.

Maybe then, I really was not here just for Carter. I wanted to test my skills as a doctor out here. I was talking some time off from my residency to do this. At this rate I would never be an attending anywhere, but this was something that I felt good about doing. At least I did when I got on the plane in Chicago. Now in this strange place I felt completely out of my league. My eyes drifted back towards what was going to be the clinic that I would be working in. There was a tall slender figure standing just outside the building. I started to walk closer when it hit me. I was looking at Carter.


	2. Seeing is Believing

_Please Read and Review!_

_Seeing is believing._

"Were my eyes deceiving me?" I thought to myself as I almost stared at her. She could not be here. I left her in Chicago, and if I remembered Abby right she was not the kind of person to chase some one, not after what I had said in that letter that I sent back to Chicago with Luka. I had to send it though.

'Did she not get it?' I once again found myself wondering in my head as I looked at her. As my eyes feel upon her small frame, the impression that was in my mind knew that had to be her. The way she held herself however gave me this feeling that the woman standing there was not the Abby I had left in Chicago. The time had passed by faster than I thought it would and I had been here nearly a year and a half. I had sent presents at Christmas time to the ER, but the only person I had contact with over the past year from Chicago had been Luka.

There had been nothing calling me back to Chicago. My grandmother was gone and Abby and I had seen to be drifting in different directions. When I came back from my first trip from Africa, I had tried to tell her how much I had loved her. It had opened my eyes to how much she meant to me. She shut me out completely from that moment on.

I could still hear her harsh words ringing in my ears telling me that she would not be there when I came back, if I came back. Hearing that from her had hurt. I wanted to put the past behind us and work towards a future together, but it did not seem that was what she wanted at the time. She seemed so furious with me. I just hoped that she would have understood that I had to go back and get him. Luka was my friend, he would always be my friend and I could not just walk away from him after what we had been thru together here.

Maybe it was that hurt and rejection that I felt from her that pushed my decision to stay in Africa deeper into my head. Either way until seeing here standing there, I had not thought about Chicago in a long time. At least not since, I had received the letter about Dr. Romano's passing. I thought about hopping the first flight back to Chicago then to be there with everyone, but against my better judgment, I stayed in Africa and let him or her deal with their problems myself. I did not see anything wrong with that.

Dad had stepped in and filled my absence while I was overseas. I think that had made him happy to be back in charge of the Carter family fortune. I could care less about that. I had never been one to be thrilled to have the money. The donations that I had promised Kerry when I left had come thru and I knew she was making County a great teaching hospital.

I had written her a couple of time since I had been here, but that was more for business reasons that for anything else. I had severed all the connections that I had back home. I do not know why I felt the need not to burn bridges per se but not keep connected with friends that at the time I left, I did not feel connected too anymore. When I left, I surely did not feel connected with Abby anymore and if she loved me, she had an odd way of showing it. I was sure that it was over when I had left, but that was her standing there staring back at me.

Shock, confusion, concern flew through my brain. It was not safe for her here. I would admit to myself that I still had deep feelings for her and I thought that time apart would stop those feelings, getting away from her was the only way that I would be able to move on with my life and to let her move on with hers. Was I wrong to think that? Did our time apart do more to bring us together than to separate us? Had something happened back home and she had come to tell me about it in person because it was so awful? I had more questions than answers right now. My main concern was that here she was in the Congo right now.

I could not bring myself to walk over to where she was standing though, and she did not seem to be moving any closer to me. She knew I was here and had flown here for some reason that I did not know about. If she had come here to see me, then why was she standing all the way over there? Could it be that this was as painful for her as it was for me? I could feel my heart begin to break all over again.

Standing there, did she realize that it was a mistake for her to come here? Was she regretting coming all this way? I could have kicked myself for thinking all of this with out having spoken to her. I did not know if I could speak to her. I had lost the ability to move. My feet were firmly planted in that one spot and I did not think that I could move them. I could feel the mist of the start of tears welling up in my eyes.

I was happy to see her, yet terrified at the same time. I could not deny that seeing her was drudging up all the feelings that I had for her, the feelings that I thought that I had managed to leave back in Chicago. I had not left them behind they were here with me here and now. I knew what I needed to do, but time seemed to be standing still. I looked at her, seeing her beauty, all that I had missed over time. I needed to talk to her but I did not know if I could find the strength to will myself to talk to her. My eyes focused on her and she seemed to be moving over towards me. Fear started to creep inside me, I did not know if I was ready to do this after all this time.


	3. Second guessing

Please read and review let me know what you think!

Second Guessing

I felt like I was trapped in a bad movie. Neither of us seemed to be moving and it did not look like Carter was going to move any time soon. I could feel the fear starting to creep into my body. It wasn't so much fear as it was this uncomfortable uneasiness that he didn't want me there. Was he that unhappy to see me, at least he had not turned and run the other way. That much I suppose I should be thankful.

I closed me eyes for a minute. I had been learning to keep my insecurities under control. The old Abby would have turn and ran away as fast as she could. However, I knew that I needed to face Carter and the only way that I was going to be able to do that was to do it here in the Congo, thousands of miles away from the safety of my home in Chicago.

I took a deep breath. I told myself that it was only John. He was a friend, oh who was I trying to kid. That line was not going to work no matter how hard I tried to believe it. He was the man that I loved, the man that I had pushed away with out a second thought at the time.

I thought that I was doing what was right making us take a little time to get things on the right track, but then I did not realize that he was going to take his time so far away from me. If he had not though I probably would not have finished med school, I probably would not have gone into therapy to work thru my issues.

Carter leaving was the worst yet the best thing to happen to me in a long time. How do you thank someone for leaving you but tell them that you want them back in your life. That you can realize that you have made a mistake, taken the time to work thru that mistake and you are now ready to give yourself a second chance with them at finding love. I could almost feel Carter's fear. However, standing here I was putting more questions than answers into my head.

I could not help but wonder if he was doing the same thing that I was right now, second-guessing myself, second-guessing him. Oh, boy was this turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I put my hand up to my head again pushing my bangs back. "Abby," I said to myself, "what were you thinking.

That you were going to come to Kissangani and have everything be the way that they were before. Back to how it was before Carter left the second time. But then things were great in your relationship at that time either."

I knew right there and then that I had to stop talking to myself before I worked myself into a corner that I could not get out. I had not come all this way to stand around with my mouth wide open staring at Dr. Carter.

There was little that I could do. I needed to go and talk to him, but fear was taking control of my body. I wrung my hands together before getting up the courage to start to cross the open space that was between us. However, the closer that I got to him I found the more that I was shaking. How could he still have such an effect over me after all this time?

Slowly but surely I walked close to Carter. I was working on the ability to be able to say something to him that would not come out of my mouth as sounding extremely stupid. The closer I got to him the more my hands were shaking. My nerves were about shot, and right about now I would be lighting up a cigarette if I still smoked. Before I knew it, I was standing now face to face with Dr. John Carter.

"Dr. Carter," I said trying hard not to stare at the ground. "It's nice to see you again."

"It's nice to see you too Abby." I heard him reply. There did not see to be any emotion in his voice as he spoke to me.

"How have you been?" I ask trying to keep the small conversation going.

"I've been fine." He stuttered, "What brings you to Africa?"

That was the dreaded question. I did not have an exact answer for the one question. I could not tell him that he was the reason that I was here, that I needed to see him, find out if it was really over or if we still had a little chance to be happy together. "I decided that I needed to spread my wings a little further. Take my medical training to another level I guess." I shrug my shoulders. I was an answer not much of one, but it was still an answer.

"I see." He said so casually to me. His voice still seems to be lacking any form of emotion and I don't know what to make of it.

I watched as a woman walked up behind Carter. She extended her hand out to me. "Dr. Lockhart, it is so nice that you have arrived. I hope that your flight was not all that bad and that you are ready to start." She was smiling. "I am sure that Dr. Carter here would like to have another set of hands around here to help him."

"My flight was fine." I reply to her.

"Dr. Lockhart." Carter repeats. "I did not know that you had gone back to med school Abby."

"I went back and finished after you left Chicago John." I said to him. I didn't think I needed to go into a whole lot of details with him right now.

"I'm impressed Abby. I did not think that you would go back. You seemed so happy with nursing."

"Well there's a lot that's changed since you left John." I said not wanting to tell him everything at once. I did not have much more to tell him, other than I had started therapy after he left, working on myself trying to get it so that I was happy. I knew that I had to be happy with myself before I could be happy with someone. That had been the hardest part, working through all my insecurities.

"Tonight we'll have to sit down and get caught up. Right now there are a lot of people who need us." Carter said pointing towards the clinic. "I'm sure that you are used to long days and even shorter nights."

"Yeah I am." I say back to him. "I've done my fair share of long days and long nights."

"Well then let's get started." He said walking away toward the clinic.

I did not know what to make of our conversation or that he wanted to get together and talk some more later. I did not know if I should be nervous or scared that, he wanted to talk later or if I should be happy that he wanted to talk to me and take that as a good sign.


	4. Aviodance

Avoidance

I turned my back away from Abby and started to walk inside the clinic. Dr. Lockhart, the words echoed in my ears repeatedly. She was a doctor now; things must have changed a great deal since I had left Chicago. I did not really expect them to stay the same with out me there. I knew that time had not stood still while I was in the Congo. I had not stood still while I was there either.

I had been living and working while I was overseas, I could not say if that was for the better or not, but I knew that over the past 18 months I had changed. Some of it was for the better, and some it not. I cannot say if I had changed so that a relationship with Abby would work or not.

The space that being in Africa had given me had given me a chance to work on things and think things through better. I knew that I loved her, even the time here was not able to put out that flame completely, but I did not know if she still loved me. As much as I wished for it, which did not mean that she had come all this way just to tell me that.

I had no idea what I was going to do. I had told her that we would get together later and catch up. I did not think that I was ready to confess to her that I still loved her, but I did not think that I could lie to her either if it came up in conversation. I was sure now that she had gotten my letter by the coolness that was in her voice as she talked with me earlier.

I silently said a prayer that she had not moved on with her life as I had asked her too. One would think that after the time that had passed, I would be more comfortable with her presence but here in Africa it was nerve-racking. There was so much that could happen, but at least here at the clinic I knew that she would be safe. So far, nothing had happened near the city, which was not to say that something could not happen at any time. After all, we were in a warring nation right now. I knew that from first hand.

In my time here, I had seen my fair share of casualties from the warring factions. Luka and I had been trapped in the middle of it, and I had almost lost my best friend to them. That was the main reason I had come back. There were many reasons that I had decided to stay and not go back on that plane when I sent Luka home to recuperate.

I could have gone with him, but that would have left them short handed with out any help until more could be brought in. Not that they had help while Luka was missing, but at least I was some comfort to Angelique as well as a second pair of hands for her. Even though I was, an ER physician that did not seem to matter here all that mattered to them was that I was a well-trained physician willing to help them. I did a little of everything from the day-to-day care of patients to the occasional helping in the OR. I might not have been a surgeon but beside her, I was able to use all the skills that I had attained while training and retraining at County.

I did not think that my presence at County was missed that much. Yeah I will admit that I missed Susan and could not help but wonder what she was up to, how she had changed in the time I had been gone. The last time that Luka was here, it was shortly after I had gotten the message about Dr. Romano, he said that Susan was now happily married to Chuck. I will have to admit that I did not see that one coming, but I did not see Abby as a doctor either. That caught me totally by surprise.

The more I thought about what I was going to do about Abby being here the more my head hurt. I honestly thought that I would have more time to work this entirely out. The question was how much more time did I need to work this all out. I had been avoiding it for a year and a half would another month, six month, be enough to figure it out or was avoiding the pain that might come if I was forced to make a decision.

No, the time was now, there had been enough living in the past and I needed to figure out today what I was going to do. I knew all I needed to know. As I worked with the patients and watched Abby tirelessly work with the patients, she never once complained about how primitive our surrounds were or that we did not have the resources available that she was used to. She dug in and dealt with everything with a smile on her face. Even the language barrier did not slow her down. Her new demeanor impressed me. It was obvious to me that even though she said that people did not change, she surely had.


	5. Seeing you seeing me

Seeing you, seeing me

The day was longer than I thought it would be. I fought so hard to keep a smile on my face working in the primitive conditions. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was facing. I knew that it would be bad and nothing like what I had done in Chicago, but I was not ready or prepared for it to be this bad.

I knew that Carter was watching me. I would occasionally glance up with a smile on my face to see him watching me. I do not know if he was watching me to make sure that I did not get in over my head, or because I was a sight for his sore eyes. Either way I did appreciate having a friend, or someone who I hoped was a friend there to help if I did need it.

I was finally confident in my abilities as a doctor. Moreover, I think that all my years as a nurse helped me to be a better doctor. I could see things that I do not think I would have if I had not spent so much time on the floor. Of course, I was still accused of spending to much time with the patients, and being in the ER I can understand why.

There was not a lot of time to be attached to those who you were seeing. That was a luxury I had as a nurse that I was finding very hard to give up as a doctor. Here I did not have to give that up so much. There were many to see, but I could take more than 15 seconds to listen to them. By the end of the day, I was more tired than I had ever been at County. Maybe it was because I had just worked 12 hours and seen over one hundred people. However, I had never helped that many people in one day.

I wondered silently if Carter still wanted to talk to me. That was eating at me more than anything that I had seen during the day. The events that had unfolded during the day were swept under the rug with knowing that he was probably waiting to talk to me and give me the bad news in person. Wait a minute, here I was doing it again, I cannot be thinking so negatively.

My negativity was what part of what drug us under before and I was not going to let it do it again. I was not going to sabotage my chance at happiness with Carter in my mind. I needed to think positive until told, yes told by him, that it was not going to work. I told myself that I should not get my hopes up, but that I should not think that we did not have a chance at all. Stay somewhere in the middle of the road that was a safe place for right now.

When I had talked to him earlier he had not been overly friendly and warm, but then that could have been from the shock of me showing up unexpectedly. Even though he was not warm towards me, he definitely was not cold either. It is not as if he had turned and stormed off when he saw me like a scorned man. He had tried to make small talk. It was awkward that was for sure, but we had been in more awkward positions before.

This was just going to take some time; after all, it had been a year and a half since we had last seen each other. The words spoken between us at that time were not very great. "Abby you are carrying on an entire conversation in your head." I said to myself as I crossed the room. I headed to the little cafeteria and grabbed something that looked like food.

My body was literally exhausted as I ate what was in front of me. I could feel my eyelids getting heavy as I returned the tray and slowly started the trek back to where I would be sleeping. There he was standing outside, a lit cigarette in one hand, beer in the other, on what could be the front porch of the sleeping quarters.

He still wanted to talk I guess otherwise why would he be standing there. I looked up at him. The exhaustion showed clearly on my face. I was not sure what I would say to him. Maybe it was going to be best just to listen to what he had to say first. Small talk was better than no talk.


	6. Saving Grace

Saving grace

I watched her cross the courtyard from the cafeteria towards the housing. She looked so tired from the day. There were bags under her eyes and watching her, you could see her footsteps dragging in the dirt. Still to me, Abby was the most beautiful person in the world. I could have kicked myself repeatedly for running so far away from her, but time was something that I think we both needed. We had our own demons and excess baggage that needed sorting thru and dealt with before we could have a successful relationship. What was that old saying, you have to love yourself before you can love another.

"Long day?" I asked as she walked up the short wooden stairs.

"Yeah, you could say that it was Carter." She replied to me.

I was not sure if Abby calling me Carter was a good thing or a bad thing. She usually only called me John when she was upset with me. "It takes some getting used too." I said looking down at the ground rather than at her. I hoped that she did not take the lack of eye contact as anything other than my nerves. For some reason around her, all of a sudden my stomach was in knots.

She just nodded in agreement, as she sat down on the chair next to where I was standing. "Sorry but I don't think that my feet would hold me up any longer."

I nod. "So Doctor Lockhart now is it?" I say to her a smile creeping across my lips.

"Yeah," she says so casually as if it was not that big of a deal. "What can I say, a lot of things change when you are so far away for so long."

That almost felt cold coming from her now. I felt the sudden urge to be defensive but that was not why I was here. "Hey look, I'm sorry about that but it was something that I needed to do Abby." The smile that had been on my face had faded with the coldness that she was showing me. I didn't want to be confrontation with her. And the more that I thought about it I was going to have to spend two weeks working with her so I didn't want any hard feelings between us that might interfere with our work here.

I watched her eyes shift away from looking my direction. "We all have things that we have to do John."

It was almost as if I could feel a chill, suddenly Africa felt cold. I did not know what she wanted me to say to her. I almost did not dare tell her now that I was sorry for upping and leaving her as I did. That it broke my heart seeing her here now. I wanted to take her in my arms and have it be as if I had not left. However, that was not possible. I could not go back and change time. I had made my decision then and now I was going to have to live with it. I would not have done it any other way. However, I just could not find the words to explain that to her.

"I glad you decided to go back to med-school Abby and finish it." I said to her, "you were good at. If you hadn't gone we probably would have never met."

Why did I just say that? I did not know what I was thinking as those words came out of my mouth. I looked at the ground feeling stupid about saying it now. I watched her reaction, her eyes downcast still. I could hear a soft sigh come from her.

"I'm sure we would have eventually."

I reached out and put my hand on hers making the first contact since she had gotten there. I could feel her pulling back a little. I could not blame her for not wanted to be that close to me right now. "You saved my life Abby." I said softly, "no matter what happens between us for that I will be forever grateful for. You were my saving grace Abby."


	7. Atlanta and back

Ch 7 Atlanta and Back

Carter's words hit me like a ton of bricks. His saving grace, hearing that shocked me. I was no ones saving grace. If I had not been there someone else would have caught him shooting up in the trauma room. I knew that, surely he had to have known that.

My mind drifted back to that day in Chicago before everything between us got so complicated. Turning Carter in to Mark and Kerry was the right thing to do, I knew it then, and I knew it now. While he was in Atlanta, I had started the rocky romance with Luka, who was now one of my dearest and closest friends.

From the first time I had met Dr. John Carter, I knew that there was something special about him. I had found myself drawn to him. However, in my heart I knew that when he came back from Atlanta, that he would not be in any shape to have a relationship. Therefore, to put distance between us so that nothing could happen I dated Luka. Not that at one time I did not think that there might have been something more between Luka and myself, but I also now knew that I could not compete with the one woman who would always have a hold of his heart.

The sadness that had been in Carter's eyes when he left did not seem to be there anymore. He seemed happier than he had been. How this place could make anyone happy was beyond my comprehension. I sat there in silence. I wanted to pull my hand away from his, but having that contact with him was something that no matter how hard I tried not to missed dearly.

"If that's what you want to believe Carter." I said with out realizing it. God how hearing me say that must have cut him to the bone. 'Abby what in bloody hell were you thinking saying that.' I said to myself once again. He has probably beaten himself up over that a thousand times and here I go putting salt in an open would.

I watched his eyes fill almost instantly with sadness. My heart broke with those big brown eyes that once looked at me with love in them now looked at the ground. "Yeah I do believe that Abby. Forgive me if it's wrong."

Why did I feel the need to be so cold towards him? I thought with all the time that I had spent in therapy and wishing that he was back in Chicago I would have been a little more open towards him. I tried to find the words to say to him, but they just did not want to come. I felt the hurt and anger that was there when he left that second time flowing inside me. There was so much that we needed to work out.

"I didn't mean that John."

"It's okay, yes you did." I could hear complete flatness in his voice now. It was almost as if he had been defeated and was about to give up.

Quickly I decided to speak before he got the completely wrong idea. "It's not what you think. If I had not been there, someone else would have Carter, the doctors at County have come to love you, and you are like family. If I hadn't done it then someone else would have come along and done the same thing for you." I said talking about a million miles an hour.

"I suppose you are right." I hear him say.

I tried to stir up all the courage that I had inside me to tell him what I was feeling but finding those right words was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I wondered if this was as hard for him as it was for me.

"So much has changed Carter." I start to say. "I got fed up with the way things were going so I went back to med-school. Now I'm here in the Congo and none of it makes much sense. I don't know if I came here to prove something to myself, to you or to everyone at County that I can cut it as a doctor." I start to say, "But whatever the reason I'm here now and we need to clear the air between each other so that we can at least work with each other."


	8. Clearing the Air

Chapter 8 Clearing the Air

I let Abby's words sink in. She wanted to clear the air between us. I thought long and hard about those words. It felt like an eternity before I was able to say anything to her. What did I say to something like that? That I was happy she was here and that I still loved her and wanted to be with her, even though from the way she was talking she did not want that. I was not going to put my heart out on the table for her to Mexican hat dance on. I would not let it work that way.

"What do you want me to say Abby?" I asked her as I tried to avoid looking in her eyes. "That coming back here was a mistake that I shouldn't have left you the way that I did?"

Even though I did not want my heart out there, it was overruling my brain right now. This might not have been the smartest thing that I could have done, but it was what I was doing.

I watched her lift her head up to look at me. I knew that she was going to say something, but I did not know if I was ready to hear what she was going to say.

"No Carter, that's not what I want you to say." Her voice was soft and even as she spoke to me.

I found myself looking down now. Honesty, what we needed was honesty and I found myself drawn to her. Like a moth to a flame, I could not have pulled away from her if I had wanted to. Protecting my heart and what was left of my feelings did not seem so important anymore.

"You said you wanted to clear the air between us so that we could at least work together Abby." I started to speak finding newfound courage that I thought had been long gone with everything that had happened. I would give her what I thought that she wanted even if it cost me everything I had dreamed of over the past eighteen months. "Abby, I wasn't running away from you. I needed some space to clear my head. Everything that was happening back in the states was too much for me. We were in a place that I did not want us to be. I was angry at everything that had happened. Getting the news that Luka was missing, I could not just leave him here like that. He was my friend and even though before coming to Africa we did not see eye to eye, there was something about this place that brought out the best in both of us. He is a good man Abby and one that I am proud to call my friend. I needed to make sure that he got home."

I paused for a minute to take in air. I had spit all of that out so fast that my head was almost spinning. I did not know how she was going to take this. I was almost scared for what was coming next. I reached out again taking her hand into mine.

"The one thing that I found here Abby, the one thing that it has reinforced even after all this time, is that no matter what happens or how far away from you I try to get I still love you. I knew that when I came back the first time. I was heartbroken when you shut me out, not that I blame you. I do not blame you at all. I wanted to try to pick up the pieces of what might have been left of our relationship but it seemed to me at the time that was not what you wanted. You had moved on with your life and now here looking at you, it is even clearer that is what you have done. I love you Abby. God help me I do."

I let go of her hand and took a few steps away from her almost as if I knew what was going to come next. As much as it hurt, as much as I did not want it that way, "Abby it's okay if you don't want that. When I said that you could move on with your life and if you weren't there for me when I got back, I meant it."


	9. Guilty Parties

Chapter 9 Guilty parties

I listened to Carter speaking, holding onto his words, they were a lifeline for me. "What do you want me to say Abby?" I heard him ask. I asked myself that too. I did not know what to say. There had to be more to it than I am sorry. He had to have more of a reason for things going the way that they did. I was finding it hard to look at him, although I did not know why. It was Carter, not a stranger standing before me. On the other hand, was he now a stranger to me after all the time that we had spent apart?

I lifted my head up bringing my eyes to meet his before I started to speak carefully choosing my words. "No Cater, that's not what I want you to say." I fought to keep my voice from breaking as I said that. I was not sure if he could even hear my reply. However, I watched, as his eyes were now downcast, as if to say that you are right I am lying.

He was silent now and I did not know what to make of that. As he began to speak again there was more strength now behind his words, it felt like he had a newfound conviction behind his words. I listened to him carefully taking in each one as if it might be the last words that we ever spoke to each other.

His voiced now had faded into silence. The words of I love you Abby, god help me I do. Where now ringing in my ears. How could I not want that? What had I done to make him that that I did not want that? I thought long and hard about what he had just said to me.

I could not help but wonder if this was Carter's way of letting me go, a finalization to our relationship that neither of us could bring ourselves to. I had not come all this way to walk away from him. My feet were heavy and I knew that there was no way that I could walk away from him. I was so tired that I was going to have to speak now not later. I chose my words ever so carefully. I did not want to come across as being confrontation about this or cold and heartless.

"Carter that's not what I want, not at all. I did not travel here to say that it is over, that we are beyond repair. We each had issues that we had to work on before we could be a couple, a real couple. I can see how you think that I have moved on with my life, but that does not mean that there is not any room in it now for you. I made a conscious decision in Chicago to move forward with my life. To move away from all the negativity that was surrounding me. I spent the time that you were away working on me, for me. With out the pressures of changing for someone else I was able to clearly see that I had to make these changes for myself. It enabled me to become the person that I wanted to be. Not who you wanted me to be, not for Maggie, not for Eric, but for me." I said sinking back in the chair feeling completely exhausted. I did not think that in coming here I would end up having to defend my actions to him. Maybe I was not defending them now that I thought more about it, but more of an explanation of why I had done what I had.

Guilt started to slowly eat at me. Hearing Carter say that he loved me and knowing what I had done in Chicago all those months ago. But what had happened wasn't love. I was looking for comfort.

I had just gotten that letter from Carter saying not to wait for him and Luka was reeling from Gillian's news of a boyfriend back in Montreal. I hadn't meant for it to happen the way that it did, but I also knew that it was something that we both needed at the time. I couldn't deny that I still had some kind of feelings for Luka. I cared for him. How could I not? We were good friends and good friends took care of each other when they needed taking care of. Just like Carter couldn't turn his back on Luka when he was missing in Africa, I couldn't' turn my back on Luka when he was hurting so bad in Chicago.


	10. Once upon a time

Chapter 10: Once Upon A time.

There was an awkward silence now growing between us. I didn't know if I should say something to her or not. There was a hint of pain in here eyes now. I didn't know if she was waiting for me to say something to what she had just told me, or if there was something more that was coming as soon as she found the words to say it.

Maybe I had rushed things telling her that I still loved her. She might now have been ready to hear that from me right now. Hell it might have been the last thing that she wanted to hear from me. Panic filled my heart as I started to wonder if there was someone back in Chicago now that she was seeing and that she was here for some other reason that to see me. Oh of course I was a fool to think that she was here just to see me. She would have to be nuts to risk her life in this war torn hell hole just to see me.

I could feel my checks starting to flush. "Abby look I didn't expect you to change for me. That was something that I always knew that you would do for yourself when you were ready to. But I'm sure that everyone is proud of you. I know that I am and you must be too." I said not bringing my eyes up to meet hers anymore.

I wanted to go on. I felt that I needed to go on, but the words that I needed to say were now stuck viciously in my throat. I could feel my eyes start to sting. I was holding back, or rather trying to hard to hold back. I didn't want to overload her, or worse scare her away from me for good.

The more that I thought about it, the more it became clear that were once upon a time, Carter and Abby a fairy tale and now that fairytale had come crashing to an end. Not a happy ending but not a tragic ending either. Maybe I should just put us out of our misery and cut our losses but then I really in my heart didn't want to do that. And since we were sitting here talking I didn't think that she wanted that either.

I watched Kem crossing the courtyard from a distance. It didn't appear that she saw me and maybe that was a good thing. Her coming over here right now was the last thing that I needed. I had to admit to myself that I used her, but I didn't think that I could admit that to her.

"Abby honey," I said looking now right at her. "Tell me what is bothering you. I want to be open with you and I want you to be open with me. Trust me there is nothing that you could say to me that would change the way that I feel about you."


	11. Famous Last words

Chapter 11: Famous last words

Yikes, those definitely would be his famous last words. Nothing I could say would change the way that he felt about me. This little thing that was now eating at me was that I had slept with his best friend. Wasn't there some guy code about that? I always thought that the guys had some unspoken code between them that was attached to guys honor code.

I could see the mist on his eyes. There was pain buried deep inside those dark brown eyes. I thought long a hard about what I was going to say to him. There was no easy way to say this to him. I had better just come out with the truth before he thought that something terrible had happened, that I had a new found love interest brewing at home.

Luka was nothing more than just a good friend. We both new that there was nothing more that would ever be between us and after that night we had both told each other that we couldn't do that again. We would be the best of friends, but Carter was a common link between the two of us and it was a line that couldn't be crossed for any reason ever again.

"Carter look there's something that I need to tell you and I don't know exactly what the best way to go about this is." I said being honest with him.

"It's okay Abby." Carter said reaching out. I could feel his hand now resting upon mine. I almost lost it right there and then. It was almost too much to have his touch when I was about to tell him that I had been with someone else while he was away. But then Carter was the one who told me that I should move on with my life while he was gone. This was just one indiscretion that had happened in eighteen months.

"You might say that now, but really I know that it's not okay." I said as I got ready to drop what I felt was a giant bombshell on him.

"No really Abby." I heard him reply, "Go on."

At his urging I swallowed hard and hoped that my words would not fail me now. "It happened shortly after Luka got out of the hospital when you sent him back to Chicago with malaria," I started to speak and found the words rolling rapidly off my tongue, as if the faster they came out the less that they would cut him. "I was at a loss after you sent me the letter, I had a bad day at work, and I needed a friend, someone to talk to. I went over to his apartment and we went for a walk. We talked about Gillian and her boyfriend back in Montreal, you being in the Congo for god only knew how long, and how much we missed you and how at that minute in time our lives basically sucked. I didn't mean for it to happen John, you have to believe me when I say that."

He pulled his hand back away from mine as if he had just been burned. I could see what looked like shock and disbelieve upon his face. I watched him attempting to hold the tears back from falling.

"I didn't do it to hurt you. It wasn't my intention to hurt you with this." I said trying to pick up the pieces of what had to be his shattered heart. "I thought that we were over that there was no hope for us at that point in time. You ran off to Africa with out a second thought. You send me a little telling me not to wait for you that you might not be coming back home at all. Carter what was I supposed to think? What did you expect me to do?" I said realizing now that it sounded like I was blaming him for all of this.

I looked back inward on my thoughts wondering if all along I had been that bitter at him for what I thought that he had put me through. There was silence between us now once again. I could tell that he was thinking of what to say to me. I decided to speak again before he had said anything.

"Look Carter, I was hurt that you told me all that in a letter. And that you had sent Luka of all people back with that letter. Yes I was bitter and hurt, but I don't blame you."


	12. It hurts

A/N: Please continue to read and review thanks!

It hurts

Her words were ringing in my ears almost burning. I almost wanted to scream how you could do that to me. But wasn't I the one who wrote the letter saying that I understood if she wasn't there for me when I got back home. The one person who against his better judgment urged her to move on with her life, all because I didn't know if I would ever be returning to Chicago. Still right now I didn't know if I would return or not. It was starting to look like I had nothing to return home to.

She said that she hadn't done it to hurt me. How could it not hurt me? I had come back here to find Luka and sent him home when no one else would. If I hadn't risked my neck to save his, he would have never returned home. Chances are that he would have died from the malaria and no one would have been any wiser.

In my head I asked myself how someone would answer. What should I say to now to her? I didn't want to be confrontational, nor appear that she had hurt me with her words. I know that she could probably see the pain that was there in my eyes. There was no way that I could hide that. I knew that I had always worn my emotions on my sleeve. Sometimes that was a good thing, but right now it was giving things away that I would rather keep to myself.

How could I be angry at her, how could I let this hurt me, when after all hadn't I done the same thing with Kem? I asked myself. That had to be different somehow. There had to be something that made what I did different from what she had done. Of course I hadn't gone out and slept with my ex-boyfriends best friend. If that was all that I was to her now, nothing more than an old flame that she had extinguished.

Eighteen months was a long time for two people to be apart. I started to try to rationalize the situation in my head. There was nothing that was holding the two of us to each other. No commitment, god no we were both to scared of that to have any kind of a commitment between the two of us. It needed to be ended; we needed to put each other out of our misery soon before one of us ended up getting burned beyond belief and it seemed as if that's where we were suddenly headed.

"You know what Abby," I started to speak; "you did exactly what I would have done if our places would have been switched. We left a lot of things unsaid, unresolved between the two of us. We weren't in a good place in Chicago when I came back here even though you didn't want me too."

It looked like she was about to say something when I put my fingers up against her lips. "Just listen to me." I said as I watched for her head to nod in agreement.

"It's not right, the time's not right, the place isn't right and we both have changed more than either of us would like to admit. Maybe it's better if we just remain friends, good friends, but nothing more nothing less." I paused just long enough to catch my breath but not to let her say anything. "I don't hate you, in fact I still love you and it's going to take awhile for those feelings to go away if they ever do go away. I will work with you; I'll even be a shoulder for you to lean on. I'll help you and teach you if you get stuck but that's all I can do Abby. I once said to you that it hurt too much to be just a friend, well right now it hurts to much to be anything more than just a friend. That's all I want from you Abby. I just want to be your friend right now."

I didn't give her the chance to say anything. As fast as my feet would carry me I turned and bolted inside. Space, I needed space right now more than anything. It took everything that I had not to break down into tears right there and then. But there was nothing that I could do about this right now. I needed time to sort everything out. I wanted to give her time to sort everything out. The only downside to all of this is that the two of us were going to be stuck working side by side in Africa with nowhere that either of us could escape too.


	13. John Carter, I'm talking to you

A/N: As always please read and review. Be patient with Carter and Abby. Remember they have been apart for 18 months and separated not on the best of terms. This story isn't all fuzz, life's not always perfect and neither are they…I am trying to keep them as Carter and Abby as I can, but you know that there has to be a little bit of real life in there. This isn't a fairy tale.

Chapter 13: John Carter, I'm talking to you

"What! What did he just do?" The bells went off in my head. Carter did not just walk away from me. "John Truman Carter get back here." I yelled as I got back up onto my tired feet and stormed after him. I let him just walk away once but he was not going to do that a second time. It was time for the two of us to stop running away from each other. There might have been a lot that had gone on between us but I knew in my heart that we were not flogging a dead horse here; there was some sort of spark between the two of us. I also knew that I was not imagining it and he felt it too.

I watched him stop dead in his tracks with his back still to me. "You don't have to turn around but you are going to listen to what I have to say now. Carter I have been more than patient with you. I have been extremely understanding with you." I started trying to keep from yelling so that everyone didn't hear us fighting, if you could call it that. "You are not going to run away from me again. I let you walk away from me in Chicago but all be damned Carter I am not going to let you do it to me again. I love you Carter!"

There was still nothing from John. Not a muscle of his even twitched. I didn't know if he was standing there thinking of what to say or how to get away from the crazy woman who was now chasing after him.

"Carter you are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. That is not something that I am just willing to throw away with the trash. We might not be able to be what we were in Chicago before everything started downhill, but we can try to start over again and do this the right way." I said to him.

Still there was nothing. What was this man deaf and ignoring me now? "Carter say something, say anything to me." I practically screamed at him now. "This is not the way that this is going to end. I'm not ready to give up on it yet and neither should you."

The silence in that hallway was now deafening. My nerves and patients were shot not to mention the fact that I was extremely tired and having an argument with the man who I had given my heart too. My hopes were starting to sink the longer he went on with out saying anything. What was he thinking? Did he have any idea what he was doing to me? I wished that I could show him how badly all of this was hurting me too.

"Carter, I am not going to blink my eyes and have what I feel for you disappear. You put an ocean between us and I still feel as strong for you now as I did over 2 years ago. We are going to miss out on the best things that ever happened to us because we are too stubborn just to admit it and try to work this out. It's not broken, there's still something here that can be fixed. We just have to work at it John, it's worth fighting for."


	14. Keeping up appearances

Chapter 14: Keeping up Appearances.

I stopped letting her words pull at my heart a little. I needed to find a way to turn it off. If I hurt her then she wouldn't want me anymore. If that's what it was going to take then that's what I was going to do. Play by her rules, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If Abby Lockhart can do it then so can John Carter.

Okay Carter, so maybe this isn't one of your better ideas. You've come up with better ones. But I had to do something. She wasn't going to just give up and let me walk away. I had asked her to move on with her life and it looked like she had done just that, but it was only that way on the outside.

I spun around so that I was looking right at her. "Abby no it's over. What ever we had in Chicago was just that, in Chicago, this is the Congo. I have been living here for 18 months. Trying to do what I asked you to do move on with my life. I am not going to be going back to Chicago not now not ever, there's nothing left there for me anymore. Didn't you see that when I didn't come back, when I stayed away for so long? If I had any intentions of living, of being in Chicago, don't you think that I would have come back by now. My god Kerry has probably given my job away. I put my father in charge of the family foundation so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. Chicago is full of nothing but sad memories for me. That city has taken everything from me and here I have managed to get my life back in order and it doesn't include you Abby."

Oh god did I feel horrible spitting that out at here, but it had to be said, something inside of me told me that she wasn't going to give up unless I pushed her too far. And even though I still loved that woman with all my heart and soul it had to stop. I didn't want to hurt her but yet I found myself doing just that. Nothing was making sense anymore. I think that the pain of hearing that she had slept with Luka had gotten to me and I was extremely jealous of that fact. I probably should have just walked away right there and then before I said something that I regretted and lost her forever but I couldn't. I couldn't force my feet to move.

"There is something else that you should know Abby. I have found someone else." I spat at her knowing that it was nothing more than a lie. Well not a complete lie. I tried to rationalize what I had said to myself. I had slept with Kem, but that wasn't anything serious just you're run of the mill lost in the middle of nowhere fling. Or at least that was all it was to me. But I didn't have to make it sound like that to Abby. To her I could make it whatever I wanted it to be. Hurt her as badly as she had hurt me, was not that the little game that we were playing now. I turned back away from her hoping that what I had said had just sunk in. Maybe that is what was going on in the silence that was between us now.


	15. Swallowing my pride

Chapter 15: Swallowing my pride

I turned away from him and started to walk away. Tears stung at my eyes as I willed them not to fall. Deep inside my heart, I knew that this was just a feeble attempt to keep me at a distance. However, it still hurt nonetheless and I was not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that much.

I walked into my room shutting the door behind me. I knew that doing that would do nothing but increase the gap that was forming between us. Nevertheless, I also knew that it was wrong of me to think that we could have picked up the pieces of our shattered lives and go on as if none of it had happened.

I lie down on the bed and let the tears slowly start to fall. Here no one could see me, here no one could hear me and I could let me heart flow. Let the pain and hurt silently escape. Sleep did not come easily to me that night but eventually I did managed to get there. The next day was going to be long and hard I knew that. The rest of the week would probably be the same way. We might never be able to get past what was no between us, but that did not mean that I was going to give up. I thought that maybe if I gave Carter some time that he would eventually come around and realize what I had when he was gone. After all, he was not going to be able to avoid me the entire time I was here and we would have to talk to each other sometime.

The sun streamed into my sleeping quarters the next morning. The night was too short and as I dressed, I could not help but think of all the people that were going to need my help. That would take my mind off Carter at least for a little while. Maybe long enough that some of the hurt and pain would ease some.

I went and grabbed a quick bite before heading into the hospital admitting area where I would spend most of my day triaging patients, sorting thru the various aliments that they had and deciding who I could treat and who I needed to admit. Lunchtime came and went and still I had not seen Carter at all. He must have been up on one of the wards as far away from me as he could get, but that did not bother me in the least. There were too just too many other people; all of those people I was trying to help. It was only when I had sat down that he crossed my mind. I was not entirely sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing but nonetheless it was what was happening.


	16. Passing of Time

Chapter 16: The Passing of time

The week flew by as Abby's time in Africa started to end. Carter refused to swallow his pride and talk to Abby. Abby with her stubborn pride did not seem very eager to search Carter out and make him talk to her. Both there hearts were hurting and it did not seem like either one of them was willing to make that pain go away by doing the only obvious thing. That was getting back together.

What they did not see, those around them did see. The people that the worked with, the patients that they treated could tell that those two people were love struck with each other, but that there was something that wasn't allowing them to admit it back to each other, to work out there differences, to put hurt feelings aside and move on with their lives together.

Yet what they did not know, could see and did not want to admit was about to come to a head and change their lives forever. Outside forces were working to bring them together.

In Chicago Luka boarded a plane bound for the Congo. He had been traveling to the Congo about every six months now since he had recovered. Kerry had not been thrilled that he had been spending so much time away from County as it left her short handed. It was especially apparent with Carter gone so much of the time now. She didn't know if she would ever get her two best doctors back on her staff for good or not, but she wished them well and for a safe return every time. She was worried about Carter, everyone was. It had been months now since anyone had heard from him. Abby was now in the Congo as well, but Kerry knew that she would be returning shortly. She had promised Kerry that she would only be gone for two weeks, and to save her spot at County. Which Kerry was doing.


	17. A familiar face

Chapter 17: A familiar face

I walk walking back to lie down and get some sleep when I saw that familiar figure walking towards me. What was he doing back here? I was both happy yet angry to see him.

"Carter," Luka said catching up with me. "How are you doing?"

"Just fine." I replied with coldness in my voice. I did not stop walking but continued. I did not feel like talking right now.

"What's wrong?" I heard him ask as I felt his hand grab my arm.

"You should know." I said back to him stopping for just a brief second. "You knew she was coming here."

"Abby?"

"Yes Abby." I said back to him.

"I thought that you would be happy to see her Carter." Luka said back to me.

I thought for a minute before I spoke again. "She was a sight for sore eyes at first, but come on there's nothing between us and there never will be Luka." I threw my hands up in the air, "she's all yours buddy."

"What are you talking about Carter?" He said. It almost sounded like he had no idea what I was talking about for a minute.

"Oh come off it Luka." I said back to him, "I know what happened in Chicago, you don't have to play dumb with me."

"A mistake is what happened in Chicago Carter." He said back to me. "Don't tell me that you are holding that against her. That you are being so damn stubborn that you won't let her get close to you because you think that she stabbed you in the back."

"What would you know about being stabbed in the back Luka? You are one of the people holding the knife." I spat back.

"Hold on Carter, I did no such thing. I did not stab you in the back. You are the one who sent her the letter telling her to move on with her life. You are the one who left Chicago and never came back. I did not do that to her. I'm not the one who hurt her because I needed to run away from what was happening to me."

"I thought that you and I were friends Luka. I thought that we had finally got past the bitterness that we felt for each other yet here we are three years later still fighting over the same woman. I tell you I am done with fighting over her, fighting for her, what it has gotten me. I'll tell you; right now all it has gotten me is a broken heart." I spat back at him, "you're the one who took it upon yourself to comfort her when she needed someone. Although there is one thing that I will admit, if she needed to reach for comfort at least she reached for you and not a bottle of beer."

"Carter you are acting like a two-year-old." Luka said to me, "Get over what happened in Chicago, open your eyes and see that woman loves you just as you are, she's a one in a time love that won't be offered to you again. You will never find another woman who loves you as much as she does, and even if you find someone who loves you that much, you won't be able to love them because part of your heart will always belong to her."

"That my friend is where you are wrong. You could not be more wrong. There is nothing between us anymore and there never will be." I said back to him. God only knows why I was being so stubborn with this.

"Oh I am now am I? Carter if you did not love this would not be hurting you as badly as it is. Come off it, I can see it in your eyes. I can see the pain that it is there. How every badly she has hurt you, don't you think that she is hurting just as much as you are?"

"It doesn't matter Luka. Nothing matters anymore." I said pulling back away from him, "there's more to it than just what you think you know. There was a lot between us when I left that wasn't right."

"So make it right." Luka said to me.

"It can be made right just like that." I said.

"Don't let her get away Carter. Don't let it end like this." Luka said to me as he turned and walked away.

I continued. Letting what he said to me sink in for a minute. I still did not know what was going to become of our relationship.


	18. Sunsets

Chapter 18 Sunsets

I was sitting under a tree watching the sunset on another day in Africa when I noticed that he had sat down beside me. It was nice to see a friendly face so far away from home.

"How are you Abby?" He asked me.

"I've been better Luka." I replied.

"Watching the sunset alone?"

"Yeah." I casually replied.

"What happened?" I heard him ask.

"I don't know Luka. It started looking like we were going to be okay and then all of a sudden we were not. It was as if we had fallen into the same circle we had been stuck in back in Chicago." I said to him. I knew that I could bare my soul to Luka and he would not think any less of me for doing so. "It's as if he has completely given up on us. He says that there is someone new and that he doesn't have room for me anymore." A tear escaped and started to roll down my cheek.

"Have you given up as well?" He said looking at me.

"I don't want to. I really do not want to. I have never loved a man as much as I love him." I said realizing that I probably should not be saying that to him, "I'm sorry Luka."

"Don't be sorry Abby. Everyone in this world has a soul mate. Yours just happens to be Carter not me. I had my soul mate but she is gone and there is nothing that I can do about that. But you and Carter, you have each other; you're both just too damn stubborn to realize it." He said to me.

"That's not something that is easy to over come." I said to him.

"No it's not, you both need to set aside your pride and work for the love that is in each of you for the other. You need to sit down and listen to him. He needs to listen to you too, there's a hidden pain that is buried inside of him Abby and I don't know what it is." Luka said as I felt his hand squeeze mine.

I looked up at him, thinking about the way that things were left between us. Everything that had happened. "I think I have an idea about what it is, but all I can do is be sorry that it happened. I can't change it." I said to him. It was almost as if Luka held some hidden wisdom inside him. I think that it came from what he had gone thru and learning to deal with his loss. Listening to him, I was able to get a better understanding of what had gone wrong with Carter and I. It was as if the sun setting on the day was slowly opening my eyes.

"I think that you need to be telling him that and not me." Luka said his eyes fixed over the setting sun.

I let go of Luka's hand and got up from where I was sitting. "I know." I said.

"Go talk to him; get what you can out in the open. I hate seeing my best friends hurting, and the two of you definitely are hurting."

"Thank you." I whispered as I headed off in search of Carter.

A/N: please read and review let me know what you think so far.


	19. Into the fire

Chapter 19 into the Fire

I climbed into bed, a warm body curled up next to me now. Yet somehow, it did not feel right. I still felt empty inside. Regret, fear, pain all filled my heart now. I was not sure why I had felt the need to do this. I knew better and I knew she was near now. When I closed my eyes, I could see the disappointment and hurt in hers. It seemed that as long as we were apart that this was fate and I was going to suffer. It didn't sit well that I knew I was the one that pushed her away, so far away that we would never find our way back to each other.

I turned onto my side and looked at the woman that was lying there next to me. It was not her face that I saw staring back at me. It was Abby. I shook my head trying to get the image to leave, but it seemed to be burned into my memory for good. I was not going to be able to escape this feeling unless I did something to make it right and with Kem tucked into bed next to me I didn't think that was going to happen anytime soon, all that this would accomplish would be to push Abby further away from me. However, deep down inside of me was not that what I had intentionally set out to do.

When Gamma died a part of me died too. I could not deny that. What did Abby do, she ran off to go get Eric because he had suddenly resurfaced. That cut me to the bone. I know that Eric needed her, but what I did not understand was why she had to go now in time. I needed her almost as much as he did. My world at that moment in time had come crumbling down, and it would never be the same for me. I tried to forgive her after the funeral, really I did. I ran after her, I was sucked in at Country trying to find her to talk to her. What I got for that was nothing. Nothing changed, the pain was still there, the embarrassment, the hurt, and all still ripped at me like it happened yesterday. The only escape that I had at the time was to come here, knowing that she would never understand. I left things between us a mess and just upped and ran away. I thought that I was protecting myself.

I reached over and shook the sleeping body that was lying there next to me. "Kem wake up."

Two groggy eyes looked at me as if I was insane. "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, I can't do this anymore."

Her eyes could have spit fire at me. Her glare was so cold I could feel the icy filling the room. She did not seem to be moving.

"I mean it Kem." I said, "This is wrong. I am using you plain and simple. I thought that I could escape but I can't."

"Carter you are one cold hearted son-of-a-bitch." I heard her say as she reached for her clothes. I opened the door for her ushering her out of my life and as she walked out the door, I could hear her mumble under her breath, "I hope you burn in hell."

Whatever, I thought to myself. Then I saw Abby standing there in the doorway. Her stare was almost as cold. I did not know what to say or what to do.


	20. Give me the frying pan

Chapter 20 Give me the frying pan

I saw him standing there in the doorway watching her walk away. Half dressed, he was, and I knew what had happened. What I did not know was if I could forgive him for what I just saw. I could not understand what he saw in her, but then I was not Carter. At that minute, I did not know if I wanted to run into his arms or strangle him.

I stood firmly rooted in that spot for what felt like an eternity as my head and my heart fought over what I should do. Finally, my feet began to move and I knew that my heart had won over my head, or had it. I was now standing in front of him and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I willed them with all my might to go away but they were not listening to me.

I looked up at him, into those deep brown eyes. Luka's words still echoed in my head. I needed to listen to him. But ouch, what I saw hurt and it hurt bad. I reached up and put my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart beating beneath it. I remember how safe I felt when I was in his arms. For a brief minute, I could have sworn that I had forgiven him.

I pulled my hand back as if I had been burned. "I can't do this Carter." I said as I turned and walked away. I walked out side it was pouring down rain. It washed the tears away from my eyes. I watched as the drops started to fall harder and fast coming down more and more like the tears streaming down my face.

Then there was a hand on my arm. I felt the force turning back the way that I had just come from.

"Abby wait stop please." I heard him say to me.

"What do you want from me Carter?" I said back to him.

"Listen please." He said, "That's all I want."

"That's why I came to see you. Sitting watching the sunset, I realized just how much you meant to me Carter."

His arms were now holding onto my shoulders so that I was facing him. I could see the hurt in his eyes. They reflected the pain that had been there earlier that I had been too blind to see for what it was. "Abby listen to me. I never meant to hurt you as I have. I was in pain when I left Chicago. Gamma was important to me. She had spent so much of her life taking care of me. Always being there when I needed someone to talk to, watching out for me when no one else would. When she died I needed you and you weren't there for me." He said to me. "I would have given anything to have you there; I couldn't understand why you had to go get Eric. It hurt Abby to have you walk away from me like that. I tried to understand I tried my hardest to forget what had happened but I could not. I spent the rest of that day trying to find you at County and I could not find you. I buried my grandmother and ended up being sucked into the County vortex. Then my vacation with my dad fell thru, I was lost, hurt, and confused Abby. Luka called saying they were short a doctor, and well it sure was not Rio but this place served its purpose for that short time I was here. I know that you cannot understand why I came, and I do not expect you too. When Luka was missing, I could not just leave him stranded here. I had to make sure that no matter what he got home. I did not come back here to hurt you, to walk away from you. Hell, this place opened my eyes to how much I loved you. It was your face that I saw when that gun was held to my head. You got me thru that day Abby. Then I come back home, you want your key back, you give me my things back. I did not know what to think. I was devastated Abby."

I stepped back pulling away from him. I did not know what to think. I did not know what to say to him. How could I have been so blind to what he had been through?

"Carter what can I say." I said to him.

"I love you Abby. It has taken me 18 months to see that. I need you as I have never needed anyone else before. You are my soul mate Abby. I close my eyes and it is you that is here with me. It is you that I see myself spending the rest of my life with. I walked away from you once, I am not going to do it again."

"I don't want you too Carter. We've hurt each other more than we know. It's time to put that behind us wipe the slate clean and start over again." I said to him, "Come back to Chicago with me please?" I reached up and wiped the tears from his face, "please baby come home with me."

"Yes." Carter said to me. I felt his arms tighten around me. I felt Carters lips against mine. I did not feel the rain falling on face anymore. I could feel the sunshine on my face with his lips on mine. The rain stopped as we came together as one behind us with the setting sun a rainbow formed in the clouds of Africa.


End file.
